"Out of Time?"

 

“Out of Time?”

By Jim Culp

August 21, 2022

 

So, I lost my coping saw. (if’n ye don’t know what that is, just google it)

I went to the hardware store her in Lees Summit, and walked in. There was a kid greeting people.

“I am looking for a coping saw,” I said.

To my surprise, he pointed to an aisle, and said “Isle 46, Sir, section 3.”

I said thanks and headed that way. When I arrived, there they were.

To self: “Did I just fall in a time portal and go back to 1973?”

So… I grabbed the saw I want, and a pack of blades. Being the guy I am, I decided to play a game.

I walked up to the nearest kid in uniform, and asked where I could find 1” X 1” X 2” white pine boards.

He told me to walk with him, and he took me right to the rack in the lumber area. “Right here, Sir, and you can get them in Oak or Maple also.”

I was dumb-founded… “Um, thanks man,” I said as he walked away.

I literally thought something was wrong, or I had been in the wrong dimension for the past 56 years.

“Ok, Jim. Last one…make it a good one.”

I walked to the area where all the steel hardware was. I picked up a bolt that had a steel washer on it, but nothing else, and stood there looking like I was clueless.

A guy in his {thirties?} walked up and asked me if he could be any help.

“Yeah man,” I said… “I am looking for a nylon washer with no more than an .078” in diameter, and a stainless nut to fit the bolt…but damnit if I haven’t left my readers at home again.”

The guy chuckled. “You sound like me friend…but anyhoo; they are right here, and I’ll get ‘em out for you.”

As sure as Mama made the greatest pies at Christmas, I had exactly what I needed in about 8.2 seconds.

“Will that be all, Sir?” he asked with a smile.

“Yep, that’s it. Thanks for your time and knowledge.”

When I got out to my car and shut the door, I looked around to make sure I didn’t see any ’71 Impalas or Beetles driving by, or that any of the men were wearing suits and ties. I just couldn’t be in 2022.

-Jim

 

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"Yum"

 

“Yum”

By Jim Culp

August 7, 2022

 

I’ve been a customer of Arby’s for 40 years. Yesterday, I ordered a wrap instead of the beef sandwich I usually get…in order to give my guts a break. The wrap has a delicious tortilla, turkey, cheese, tomatoes, and lettuce. (I have them take the mustard off, because it is some commie shit that tastes like stale ale. I also have them removed the purple onions, because they do not agree with me).

They were busy, and I patiently waited (really…I did). Ok, I used the time to play space invaders on my phone.

So, the wrap came out. I took the first bite. It tasted like a rubbing alcohol and spray starch cocktail. I opened the wrap to inspect, and there was lettuce that looked exactly like the canned spinach that Pop used to eat. I opened the other half, and the “lettuce” looked like a sailor had used it to scrub the deck of the USS Gerald Ford, then snuck it into the galley and placed it in the “sammich stuff” tub.

When I complained, the manager said that she was sorry. So I looked back at the guy making sandwiches. He was not only not washing the lettuce, he was putting that nasty outer leaf (that only goats eat) on the sandwiches.

Letter on the way to corporate.

-Jim

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