"You Can't Make this Shit Up" Episode I

 

“You Can’t Make this Shit Up- Episode I”

By Jim Culp

May 13, 2022

 

So today, I had to go to the main VA in Kansas City for an exam and some supplies. All good. Despite having to go to thar abhorrent area of the city, the whole thing was painless. When I left the VA, I realized that I had a very empty stomach, as breakfast had been over three hours ago.

As I rode into Independence (which is only eight miles from my place in Lee’s Summit) I felt hunger pangs, and thought of some place to eat lunch. Well, since McDonalds and other fast food places are ten bucks a meal now, I thought I might just head to Golden Corral…or as I call it…Troll Trough.

I chose my food, and sat down in the front area, and immediately noticed two very familiar sights at the old TT. These was a large crew of Hispanic guys from a road crew that had the same idea I did about lunch. They were eating and laughing lunch away…not a care in sight.

To the right of them were two very large Trolls. Each had it’s own trollette, and each was screaming at the young trolls about this or that. I ignored them, and talked to my daughter on text as I ate my meal. Once I was ready to go, I signed off with her; and made my way to the waitress to tip her. She smiled and winked at me for the tip, because she typically receives fifty cents or maybe a dollar from the clientele there that are mostly in their mid hundreds.

As I turned to leave, I heard two separate Trolls arguing, and curiosity made me look around the corner. There they were, two large cave Trolls; each holding her trollette by the arm, and a mammoth sized portion of pies, cakes, and ice cream stacked on a plate about a meter high. They were throwing insults at one another, and threatening bodily harm if their particular trollette did not get a scoop of jelly bean on its plate first.

I left before the SWAT teams arrived, not wishing to engage. Life goes on.

-Jim

 

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""The Holy Bible"

 

“The Holy Bible”

By Jim Culp

May 11, 2022

This is a response to a request. It is my view.

 I was raised as a Christian when I was ages 5-17. We went to church 3 times per week, and for 4 years of that period, I attended a Christian school that was part of the church. So…needless to say, I was indoctrinated very early in life. I’ve read the King James version of the bible at least six times, and it is broken into two testaments…the old and the new. The Old Testament is all the stories about how the Jewish were persecuted over the years but prevailed at different times because they had a “man of God” leading them. It lays out the rules that God says should never be broken, and these are called the Ten Commandments. It’s long and tedious.

Fairly early in this tome, you can find that first purge of the Earth by God, recorded in the Book of Genesis (Chapters 6-9) where mankind is wiped out by water that covers the entire expanse of the Earth. However, God saved a man named Noah, his family, and two of every species on Earth so that life could begin again. This story is repetitive in hundreds of cultures…South American, North American, Egyptian, Chinese…the list is too long to mention all of them. There is scientific evidence of this flood, so there is some proof of it.

Then you have the New Testament, and it starts out with four men giving you their stories about the life of a man named Jesus the Christ. I say it that way because a man name Jesus Christ never existed. “Christ” is a title, not a name. He was supposedly called Jesus of Nazareth, because he was from that area of Israel. To date, there is no absolute proof that a man named Jesus, Jesus Christ, or Jesus of Nazareth ever existed anywhere. The only people that ever claimed to know this person were his disciples (a religious group of guys that supposedly followed him around the holy lands and witnessed him performing miracles).

The gospels (as these four books are called) tell of the life and death of this person, and of him being the Son of God…but in human from for 33 years on Earth. Ultimately…each gospel tells of his imprisonment, his trials, and his ultimate execution at the hands of the Roman Empire. They all claim that Jesus was crucified, but anyone that has studied Roman law during that period knows that crucifixion (a brutal way to die) was only reserved for persons that had committed the most violent of crimes (rape, murder, incest). Am I saying that no one was crucified for other reasons? No. Roman Emperors for many years had their own policies,

The rest of the New Testament is written by various Christians (as Jesus’ followers are called) such as the Apostle Paul, John of Patmos, Peter, and several others. It ends with the Book of Revelation… a story about the end of the world, and the return of Jesus the Christ to Earth where he takes all his faithful followers to Heaven, a place in some part of the Universe where everyone (Christians) lives forever with God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit.

I’ve read four versions of the Bible, and these includes the King James version, the Hebrew Bible or “Tanakh,” the New Standard Version, and the Tree of Life Version. These all express the Bible in different ways, but the Hebrew version caters to the Jewish peoples.

The Bible (as a whole) is a boring read, unless you are into endless diatribes expressed by hundred of prophets, apostles, and disciples.

Do you like the Holy Bible? Well, I say read it, and judge for yourself.

-Jim

 

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"Holy Father"

 

“Holy Father”

By Jim Culp

May 8, 2022

 

I read this morning that the “Holy Father” in Rome has blamed both the U.S. and NATO, as well as Russia and Ukraine for the war taking place.

OOOOKEE DOKEE. First of all, when did you become a military tactician? You’re not, Pope. You’re a figure that a bunch of week-minded people follow, because they believe you are the “Emissary of the Christ.” Whatever. Did you look into your crystal ball last night and come up with that shit? Give me a break dude. Wars are fought by soldiers…and they are trained in tactics and battle-field disciplines. Leave war to the generals on both sides. Do they tell you which lies to spread at mass? No, they don’t.

As for the “holy father” shit, you’re about as holy as a garter snake. You’re no holier that any other human being on the planet, and you’re failure to prosecute your priests for doing things to little boy’s butts is a great example. We won’t mention the billions of dollars that your institutions take in annually, yet you never see what they do with it. Order some more marble for the courtyards? Get everyone a new frock?

Last point: I am biblically educated. And here’s my point; I don’t believe in your religion, but I know more than the average schmuck. I believe it was in the New Testaments where the Christ that stated “And call no man your father upon the earth: for one is your Father, which is in heaven.”

For your reference, that passage comes from Matthew 23:9.

Stick to your own crap, Pope…war is province of men.

-Jim

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"WINTER"

 

“Winter”

By Jim Culp

May 3, 2022

 

This is a recent letter that I sent and it was returned to me.

 

Dear Weather Gods,

You know, I ain’t one to complain much. Things happen; I get it. But come on ya’ll, this crap is way out of hand. It’s May…that means flowers and me taking tons of allergy pills to survive…you know…fun stuff. Right now, it’s about 54º F here in Missura! Fifty-four MFin’ degrees ya’ll!

Now, I get it if you guys and gals are on vacation…but it’s time to get back to work and give up some nice May temperatures. You know, like high seventies. No…not high seventies with 29 MF’in mph winds neither. Nice calm weather for scoping out chicks, fishin’, and drinking a couple or eight cold ones and grillin’ some wings out back.

I know, lots o’ folks done believe in ya’ll anymore, but I do.

Now, I’ve been a damn good boy this year and last. I ain’t killed no one since 2003, and I’ve only cussed out two or three goblins at the Walmart all year! So, I think on them merits alone, ya’ll can send some 70’s my way, or in fact…you could just send me back to the ‘70s so I can go see some good rockers before they was all dead. Your call.

 

P.S. Sorry about the other day when I cursed the weather…I was just tired of getting’ wet.

In your names,

-Jim

 

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"Rules"

 

“Rules”

By Jim Culp

March 30, 2022

 

I am a pretty simple ole boy, but I gots me some rules.

I’ve lived a long life, and I’ve seen some shit that I don’t even like talking about, unless you want to buy me a few beers or twelve. I’ve been a soldier, a civilian, a husband, and most importantly…a Dad. I’ve lived under a system of rules all of my life; and have always tried to do the good and honorable thing when faced with obstacles. However, I’ve become increasingly intolerant of the rules my country has put in place these last twenty years or so. That being said… here are my rules. They are acted upon (when violated) regardless of the government’s rules, laws, procedures, or punishment.

Rule Number 1: Harm me or mine? You’re getting shot.

Rule Number 2: Screw me on a financial deal? You are no longer anything to me… because you have no honor.

Rule Number 3: Give me your word on something, and go back on it? You are no longer anything to me… because you have no honor.

Rule Number 4: You won’t get shot for violating #2 or #3, because you are a worthless piece of dogshit, and I wouldn’t waste expensive ammo on you.

Rule Number 5: Don’t piss down my back and tell me it’s raining. Translated, that means don’t lie to me. I don’t like liars or thieves because they have no honor.

 

Now, on to government policies that are in force here in the US of A. I will keep this short, because you have better things to do than listen to me.

 

(“GP” in the remaining text means “Government Policy”)

(“JP” in the remaining text means “Jim’s Policy”)

 

GP 1: When criminals violate the laws that protect law abiding citizens, they are incarcerated for XX years.

JP 1: Fine, but A) once, and B) they work…every day… three sack meals and water. No TV, no visits, no phone calls. No internet, no fighting, no drugs, etc.

 

GP 2: When criminals sell drugs to kids, run dog fighting rings, shoot up people’s homes, or anything comparable to these…they go to prison and become “rehabilitated citizens.”

JP 2: Oh, hell the fuck no. They are tried within 10 days, and they are shot. System backed up? Shoot prisoners that are serving life sentences. After that, shoot all felons.

 

GP 3: When sex offenders, pedophiles, and sex traffickers are caught, they get life sentences if they can’t be rehabilitated.

JP 3:  You can’t rehabilitate people with sick minds. They are tried, and then they are crucified. Think that’s too horrible? Ask someone that was trafficked or raped as a child.

 

Well, I’ve taken up a fair bit of your time. Until next time…

 

Jim

 

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"Dear Joe"

 

February 28, 2022

“Dear Joe”

By Jim Culp

 

Dear Joe,

I know you have been in politics since 1973…I remember my stepfather, talking to the TV… saying that “you would make a good President if you just acted better.” All that aside Joe, you are a war-time President now. You must make moves that will work for the US Citizen, NATO, the EU, and Jill.

 Do not ever think we do not have your back, except that most of us don’t. Let me set things straight. I didn’t vote for you, because you are a career politician. I’d say the same for Hillary, but she is a career criminal. I didn’t vote for Donny the rich-boy… because he’s a rich boy. But I digress.

 Joe, gas (as of 32 minutes ago) is $3.89 at the pump. And man…am I glad I ain’t driving a diesel fueled automobile…that shit is $4.89.

But let’s talk Ukraine for a minute. Today I read that the president of France asked Vladimir Putin to fight his war in Ukraine, but to refrain from killing civilians, damaging infrastructure, and causing undo power failures and hunger. That’s like having sixty-five weeds in a yard concealed by two thousand blades of grass…and you’re tasked with “mowing the yard, but don’t cut the weeds.”

War is not waged that way, Macron. Even Joe knows…right Joe?

In 2003, we killed over seven thousand civilians. In 2004, we killed around 200,000 civilians, and that is a kind estimate. Did we win that war? Sure, but at great cost on a war based entirely upon lies.

War is a nasty thing, Joe…believe me; I’ve been there twice. Infrastructure, hospitals, bridges, schools, daycares, and everything else gets fucked up. Why, because the enemy hides in those places.

Last thing…do you think (in your wildest dreams) that this war in Ukraine will be clean and tidy? Maybe ask Kamala…Jesus knows that silly bitch knows everything about everything.

Cheers,

-Jim

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February 18, 2022

“Like Yesterday’s Snow”

By Jim Culp

 

We had a fair amount of snow in the big MO yesterday, some places more than other. There was a historic record in one area of the metro… not sure where. Here in Lee’s Summit, we had about eight inches. Drifting was the real issue though, because there was so much high wind blowing that dry snow into every corner and crevice. KDOT and MODOT were some busy people for a night and a day. The fact that (at 08:30 this morning) the temperature is still a brisk 11 F with -2 F windchill.

Snow is not the key thing on my mind this morning; I am more concerned about the events unfolding in the Ukraine. There is a large build-up of Russian troops on the borders, and President Biden is now saying “in the next few days.” Assuming Joe slept through the report, I’d say that is more like a week. Russia will move forces to more key areas within the next few days and seek to penetrate the borders areas where the opposition is the weakest. Vladimir Putin might be as boring as hamburger soup, but he is no idiot. He has a resume longer than Ben Roethlisberger’s right arm and knows the story of Ukraine and her neighbors back to front. He has watched for years as Presidents on both sides have dealt with Ukraine, Crimea, and the world outside. Unlike our illustrious leaders, Putin is a former soldier... in fact, a former Special Forces soldier and officer of the KGB. But his real weapon is this… he knows United States politics back to front. He knows that the last three Presidents of the United States (as well as the current one) were and are about as ignorant of waging war as Trump was in keeping his dick in his trousers.

Don’t worry…Uncle Jim is going to keep a real close eye on this one. Stay tuned.

-Jim

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