New and Old

 

“Very new…and very old”

By Jim Culp

October 28, 2022

 

In 2000, my military career changed abruptly to another component of the U.S. Army. I was discharged from the Kansas National Guard and joined the U.S. Army Reserve. I was able to discharge early because my move was “in the interest of and favorable to the good of the U.S. Army.” My contract ended in less that two days and I headed to MEPS* for my physical and all that silly crap. Civilian bosses were not happy about it, but I didn’t care. It was a $14 dollar raise on the civilian side, and I would soon be in charge of a Movement Control Detachment. I stopped by the National Guard and said goodbye to my old tank… I would miss her…Not. That bucket of bolts put fifty health years on my body in seven calendar years. I finished school for that MOS** and reported back to my unit.

“Welcome, SSG*** Culp,” said the Commander, “Report to Captain Weaver for your first assignment, and as soon as you get back, you’ll be in charge of the 378^th HRT*!

I went and reported to Captain Darrel Weaver, a guy that I would live to become great friends with. Darrel was a black dude from Chicago, and not in the nicest part. He was one of the most intelligible people I ever met. We shook hands and he said “We’re headed to Italy, Sarge; and I want to watch over the kids, so I don’t have to…capiche? (Do you understand?)

“Roger Sir, when are we headed out?”

“Friday morning, 0300.”

Upon arriving in Italy, we were picked up by a Specialist in a 15-passenger van. It was easy to spread out because we only had six people. Some folks in that unit did several missions per year. We drove through the cities and finally ended up at Vicenza, a village style town that had been there since the Second Century AD. It had survived an earthquake (1349) and the German bombings of World War II (1942-1945).

My Captain, a buddy Jim Warner, and I were all history buffs, and for the next 11 days we would see over half of Italy. The only work they wanted us to do was fill out surveys of the mess hall’s meals. This wasn’t a problem; their “mess hall” was like an Italian Bistro, but better. Every meal had a huge salad bar, and the breads were bought on the local market.

I could tell you more, but I don’t have the bandwidth to do all of that today.

A day later, I asked the Sergeant Major what he wanted us to do. He replied that he wanted me to go to Aviano Airbase and give a report of the Team Training that was going there (the Army had a detachment there).

We all loaded up and headed there. This base is huge… and has a plethora of aircraft and armaments. We located the Army Detachment there, and I went out and graded their Team Training. They were doing chemical warfare drills, and I gave them a talk afterwards. So… I did about 25 minutes of work that day. When we left there, we went to the Coliseum, but the crews were working on a structural failure, and said “sorry, two weeks.”

We headed back to Vicenza and visited a grape farmer. He and his cousin were in the wine business, and had done so since 560 AD. The wine was really awesome, and we bought some more bottle to take home and such. History was right in front of me here, and I wanted to stay for a year. We visited Venice for a whole day and enjoyed all the sites and shops. We had pizza there that you can’t match anywhere in the rest of the world. One thing you don’t want to do in Venice is to fall in the water. If you’re an American, the Department of State orders you to stay four weeks for vaccinations.

All in all, it was a great trip. The grand finale was when the airline screwed out tickets up. So, three of us had to ride First Class. Oh, the horror! We could eat or drink anything we wanted, and the flight attendants all looked like porn stars.

A final caveat. Very strange but true. On April 10^th of 2004, I was in Iraq, and we were mortared for seven hours. The only fatality on our side was Antoine Holt, from Aviano Airbase.

I am going back to see that Coliseum up close and personal. I will be hoping they screw up my airline tickets again.

{{I am including a small glossary with this blog; some of my readers have told me that they have no clue what “this” and “that” are. My apologies; when you are a soldier as long as I was, you think everyone knows that stuff.}}

*: MEPS: Military Entrance Processing Station

**: MOS: Military Occupational Specialty

***: SSG: Staff Sergeant (the second rank in the Army’s Non-            Commissioned Officer ranks

 

-Jim

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The Beast

 

“The Beast”

By Jim Culp

October 25, 2022

 

When I was a kid around the age of 11 or 12, my parents sent me and my older brother Dave to a Christian School across town.  

As part of our studies, we had to memorize chapters from the King James version of the Holy Bible. When it came my term, my teacher told me to “pick one myself.”

Well, that came easy for me. The Old Testament (the first tome of the bible, and the recordings of many men and women that allegedly wrote down the words of God… but through men and women) was really boring. It was filled with all kinds of stuff, but nothing that attracted a young Jamie Culp.

So, I opted to memorize Revelation 13: 1-18. It was cool, and had some exciting stuff rather than boring tales of gardens, guys with leprosy, and a God that brought swift judgement on any wary soul that crossed his commandments.

So I sat in my little cubicle, and starting memorizing.

 

 

1.And I stood upon the sand of the sea, and saw a beast rise up out of the sea, having seven heads and ten horns, and upon his horns ten crowns, and upon his heads the name of blasphemy.

 

2And the beast which I saw was like unto a leopard, and his feet were as the feet of a bear, and his mouth as the mouth of a lion: and the dragon gave him his power, and his seat, and great authority.

 

3And I saw one of his heads as it were wounded to death; and his deadly wound was healed: and all the world wondered after the beast.

 

There are 15 more verses, but they all point to a “beast” that would do some serious damage (as ordered by Satan; God’s enemy)

The guy that was writing all this down was allegedly the last of the disciples of Jesus the Christ. He was called John of Patmos, because the isle he had been exiled to was called Patmos. The Emperor Domitian had made that call because John was making trouble for the Empire. Much later on, John was called “Saint John the Divine.”

Anyhow, John saw things that would happen in the distant future, and he wrote all of them down. You can read about them yourself; the Book of Revelation is that last book of the Holt Bible. If you can’t afford one, get online and visit https://www.kingjamesbibleonline.org/...

No internet? Visit a library to rent one or a Mormon church; they will give you one for free.

 

Fast Forward to 1977. This school was part of a church, and most of them were. My parents sent us there because I guess they figured that attending church three times a week was not enough. So, every morning, we’d board a bus at our church, and it would take us to the other one where the school was.

On one particular day, Mrs. Berg stopped at my cubicle, and asked how my memorization assignment was coming.

“Pretty good, Ma’am.”

“And what does this chapter tell you about the subject?” she inquired.

“Um…we’re all screwed?”

“She laid her hand on my head and softly said in my ear. “Um, that is vulgar, and you’re getting a swat for that.”

Let me digress a bit. A “swat” at that school meant being smacked in the rump with a six-foot boat oar. Yeah, that’ll teach me.

So off I trudged to the principal’s office, and received my punishment, then a language lesson.

“James, the word “screwed” in the context you used it means F-U-…you know the rest.

“It does?!” I exclaimed.

“Yes sir!” he replied.

Well, the rest of that year went ok. We moved to Silver City to the same kind of church school, just smaller.

In due time, the Beast would come to me in my dreams. It horrified me and made me be a good boy for a few days. The senseless diatribe of established and fanatical religion had taken control of another kid. The Beast would stay with me until 2003, when I removed religion form my mind, and buried myself in other subjects. Life would be much better now. That year I only had to fight one war, not two. My mental palate no longer had that monkey on my back. Believe me, I needed my whole brain and mental fortitude to do my job and get all my boys home.

To LTC John Killigan: Thank you for your guidance, Sir. I am proud to call you brother.

-Jim

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"Out of Time?"

 

“Out of Time?”

By Jim Culp

August 21, 2022

 

So, I lost my coping saw. (if’n ye don’t know what that is, just google it)

I went to the hardware store her in Lees Summit, and walked in. There was a kid greeting people.

“I am looking for a coping saw,” I said.

To my surprise, he pointed to an aisle, and said “Isle 46, Sir, section 3.”

I said thanks and headed that way. When I arrived, there they were.

To self: “Did I just fall in a time portal and go back to 1973?”

So… I grabbed the saw I want, and a pack of blades. Being the guy I am, I decided to play a game.

I walked up to the nearest kid in uniform, and asked where I could find 1” X 1” X 2” white pine boards.

He told me to walk with him, and he took me right to the rack in the lumber area. “Right here, Sir, and you can get them in Oak or Maple also.”

I was dumb-founded… “Um, thanks man,” I said as he walked away.

I literally thought something was wrong, or I had been in the wrong dimension for the past 56 years.

“Ok, Jim. Last one…make it a good one.”

I walked to the area where all the steel hardware was. I picked up a bolt that had a steel washer on it, but nothing else, and stood there looking like I was clueless.

A guy in his {thirties?} walked up and asked me if he could be any help.

“Yeah man,” I said… “I am looking for a nylon washer with no more than an .078” in diameter, and a stainless nut to fit the bolt…but damnit if I haven’t left my readers at home again.”

The guy chuckled. “You sound like me friend…but anyhoo; they are right here, and I’ll get ‘em out for you.”

As sure as Mama made the greatest pies at Christmas, I had exactly what I needed in about 8.2 seconds.

“Will that be all, Sir?” he asked with a smile.

“Yep, that’s it. Thanks for your time and knowledge.”

When I got out to my car and shut the door, I looked around to make sure I didn’t see any ’71 Impalas or Beetles driving by, or that any of the men were wearing suits and ties. I just couldn’t be in 2022.

-Jim

 

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"Yum"

 

“Yum”

By Jim Culp

August 7, 2022

 

I’ve been a customer of Arby’s for 40 years. Yesterday, I ordered a wrap instead of the beef sandwich I usually get…in order to give my guts a break. The wrap has a delicious tortilla, turkey, cheese, tomatoes, and lettuce. (I have them take the mustard off, because it is some commie shit that tastes like stale ale. I also have them removed the purple onions, because they do not agree with me).

They were busy, and I patiently waited (really…I did). Ok, I used the time to play space invaders on my phone.

So, the wrap came out. I took the first bite. It tasted like a rubbing alcohol and spray starch cocktail. I opened the wrap to inspect, and there was lettuce that looked exactly like the canned spinach that Pop used to eat. I opened the other half, and the “lettuce” looked like a sailor had used it to scrub the deck of the USS Gerald Ford, then snuck it into the galley and placed it in the “sammich stuff” tub.

When I complained, the manager said that she was sorry. So I looked back at the guy making sandwiches. He was not only not washing the lettuce, he was putting that nasty outer leaf (that only goats eat) on the sandwiches.

Letter on the way to corporate.

-Jim

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"Back When...And Then"

 

July 22, 2022

“Back When…And Then”

By Jim Culp

 

DO you remember when fast food was really good food?

When I was a kid…KFC was awesome, and Pizza Hut was REALLY awesome. You didn’t order a Supreme and not have cheese all the way to the crust, and there was a large handful of every topping you ordered…not 2-3 pieces scattered out on a 14” piece of dough. Sauce was so good that you wouldn’t spill a drop. The salad bar had good crisp lettuce and great toppings. Teenagers wanted jobs in all these places, because then they had money that was theirs.

 KFC chicken was so good, you finished every piece down to the bone. You didn’t need so much sauce in those days because the food was so good.

Then came Long John Silvers. Golden fried pieces of cod, and real chicken in the tenders. Great hushpuppies, and absolutely incomparable coleslaw.

You could get two hamburgers at McDonalds for 99 cents, and they tasted good. McDonalds french fries were a cardboard pouch of delicious treats.

When our family moved to Silver City NM in 1978, we discovered Blakes Lota burger and Sonic Drive in. The hamburgers at both these places were mind blowing. You wanted to literally eat every meal at one of these places.

There were diners, hotel diners, and nice restaurants, but we kids didn’t even care to go to any of them because the fast-food places had great food. Sure, we liked the steak house and the hotel diner that had all you can eat shrimp, but we didn’t care about them places…again…because fast food was good.

Time went by…corporations wanted more and more money…and they got it. The little hamburgers at McDonalds became 79 cents each. The french fries that were once 59 cents were not $1.75.

Wages for fast food workers declined, and quality became something that had to be inside a person to implement (taught at home) and not a standard. Kids started demanding everything that working adults had, and weak parents gave in to them. Rich kids at school became the most popular, and clubs formed. You only got invited to Bobby’s house (when his parents were out of town) if you had something to give, or money to spend. The same fast-food restaurants that starred in the ‘70s were losing sales faster than they could hold on. You started seeing more senior citizens fill the role previously held my teenagers. Kmart and TG&Y had primarily 50–60-year-old employees.

By 1987, our little town had rapidly declined to a few stores, and teenagers were coming back to work; but didn’t have anywhere near the desire to please their customer that I wish to rent an apartment at the Vatican. Those great tasting fast food meals were replaced with very expensive meals to pay employees more money. You would think that the employees improved and made these places thousands of dollars. The absolute opposite occurred… the businesses failed because a large part of their work force demanded more and more until the management personnel said “enough.”

When I visited my “second hometown” of Silver City, NM (I was born in El Paso, TX) in 1992, it was falling into a miniature depression. The only restaurants WERE fast food, the meals were disgusting to say the least. Prices at stores were phenomenal, and unemployment was at deplorable levels.

When I went there in 2017 to complete my degree, it was a ghost of what it had been when I was a teenager. Meth had taken its toll, and very few of the people I knew there were around anymore. The only fast-food places left were McDonald’s, Sonic, and Taco Bell…and they were all in deplorable locations and had the lowest quality standards that I had witnessed thus far in my lifetime. I was at least happy to find Mom and Pop Mexican restaurants that had opened, and they were doing huge business because of local happy customers. I spent many hours in my dorm room contemplating the rise and fall of a geographical era, and the slow start to re-surge that was happening.

-Jim 

 

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"Metamorphosis"

 

“Metamorphosis”

By Jim Culp

June 6, 2022

 

 

When I began listening to Rock and Roll music, it was on rare and scarce occasions. I didn’t have anything to play cassettes on, and only had three. These had been passed down to me and my brother by our older brother Jeff, who was now off in some foreign land with the USMC. I had “Hobo’s Lullaby” by Arlo Guthrie; “Greatest Hits” by Jim Croce; and “the Best of Waylon Jennings” on cassette. I plugged them into anything that played them whenever I could to hear all those wonderful songs that these artists produced.

 

It was 1978. My immediate family (Mom, Step-Dad, brother Dave, and myself) moved to Silver City, New Mexico in the fall of that year. Silver City was a melting pot of many brands of people. There were still tons of hippies there, and many people aspiring to be music artists.

I was 12. For the next two years, my brother and I were exploring the areas around our home, meeting new people, and adjusting to our new life. We went to school at our church… and became part of a scholastic endeavor called Accelerated Christian Education.

I guess going to church Sunday and Monday night, as well as Wednesday night wasn’t enough to ensure that we turn out “good people.” At age 14, Mom decided that we would go to public school, and that meant my brother Dave going to his junior year of high school, and my going to 8^th grade at the Junior High.

We’d both meet new friends, new enemies, and learn a ton of new stuff…good and bad.

In 1981, Journey released their record “Escape.” It would shatter previous records, give Journey thousands more fans, and propel the band into the big time. Somewhere along the line, I acquired a small cassette player and headphones. This (and many other things in the next two years) would bring about many changes to my life. I had joined the chess club; and played chess every morning before classes started to get ready for the regional tournament. My brother Kevin Martin was also there, and he and I were good friends. Two months later, we were headed to the regional tournament in Deming, New Mexico. I listened to both sides of “Escape” for the 60 miles there, and the 60 miles back.

My brother Kevin beat me out of the championship, but we took 1^st and 2^nd place in the region.

“Escape” was a record of incredible songs like “Don’t Start Believin,” “Who’s Cry’in Now,” and “Open Arms.” Journey packed massive stadiums and shattered records for at least three years after the release. This was back when the line-up of Journey consisted of the most incredible talent a band could possess…including Steve Perry on vocals, Neal Schon on lead guitar, Jonathan Cain on keyboards, Ross Valory on bass, and finally Steve Smith on drums.

I remain an ardent fan of Journey today, even though they have a different set to guys on the microphones. Hey, that is what happens over a period of 49 years.

Rock on Journey…you are forever in our hearts.

 

-Jim

 

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"Bob"

 

“Bob”

By Jim Culp

May 31, 2022

 

This post reminded me of when I worked for the government. The place was a maintenance and storage facility for the Army Reserve. This was 1999. The going operating system was Windows 98 making its way to 2000. At home, I loved Windows 95 and didn’t want to let it go. I stuck with it until my current machine gave up the ghost in 2001.

Back at the job, there was guy that ran the computer operations for the facility. He was 186 years old at the time I was working there (1999 to 2006). Bob knew everything, and he had worked with computers since the Abacus was invented in 2300 BC. Bob said he was there, but I doubt that. Bob still loved his 5.25 discs and insisted that everything be backed up on them. He also still used 4-tracks for audio; he had every song from several artists that recorded hits in Mesopotamia sometime before Jesus. Bob had a small room in the rear of the supply area that looked like Iron Man’s design shop. It had four computers, three printers, two CRT televisions converted into monitors, and a refrigerator. He loved to talk electronics, and my partner and I used to ask him if he helped design the Death Star. He’d answer “yep” without skipping a beat while typing at 15 trillion words per minute. We’d do that at least once a week just to get a laugh.

Bob finally retired in 2003 while I was in Iraq. He was mandated to retire, which pissed him off to no end. In the government’s defense, Bob was older than Methuselah…according to biblical records. Bob’s position was replaced with two lovely ladies, both dumber than a bag of hammers, but with lovely, shaped forms. Imagine that.

-Jim

 

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