"WINTER"

 

“Winter”

By Jim Culp

May 3, 2022

 

This is a recent letter that I sent and it was returned to me.

 

Dear Weather Gods,

You know, I ain’t one to complain much. Things happen; I get it. But come on ya’ll, this crap is way out of hand. It’s May…that means flowers and me taking tons of allergy pills to survive…you know…fun stuff. Right now, it’s about 54º F here in Missura! Fifty-four MFin’ degrees ya’ll!

Now, I get it if you guys and gals are on vacation…but it’s time to get back to work and give up some nice May temperatures. You know, like high seventies. No…not high seventies with 29 MF’in mph winds neither. Nice calm weather for scoping out chicks, fishin’, and drinking a couple or eight cold ones and grillin’ some wings out back.

I know, lots o’ folks done believe in ya’ll anymore, but I do.

Now, I’ve been a damn good boy this year and last. I ain’t killed no one since 2003, and I’ve only cussed out two or three goblins at the Walmart all year! So, I think on them merits alone, ya’ll can send some 70’s my way, or in fact…you could just send me back to the ‘70s so I can go see some good rockers before they was all dead. Your call.

 

P.S. Sorry about the other day when I cursed the weather…I was just tired of getting’ wet.

In your names,

-Jim

 

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"Rules"

 

“Rules”

By Jim Culp

March 30, 2022

 

I am a pretty simple ole boy, but I gots me some rules.

I’ve lived a long life, and I’ve seen some shit that I don’t even like talking about, unless you want to buy me a few beers or twelve. I’ve been a soldier, a civilian, a husband, and most importantly…a Dad. I’ve lived under a system of rules all of my life; and have always tried to do the good and honorable thing when faced with obstacles. However, I’ve become increasingly intolerant of the rules my country has put in place these last twenty years or so. That being said… here are my rules. They are acted upon (when violated) regardless of the government’s rules, laws, procedures, or punishment.

Rule Number 1: Harm me or mine? You’re getting shot.

Rule Number 2: Screw me on a financial deal? You are no longer anything to me… because you have no honor.

Rule Number 3: Give me your word on something, and go back on it? You are no longer anything to me… because you have no honor.

Rule Number 4: You won’t get shot for violating #2 or #3, because you are a worthless piece of dogshit, and I wouldn’t waste expensive ammo on you.

Rule Number 5: Don’t piss down my back and tell me it’s raining. Translated, that means don’t lie to me. I don’t like liars or thieves because they have no honor.

 

Now, on to government policies that are in force here in the US of A. I will keep this short, because you have better things to do than listen to me.

 

(“GP” in the remaining text means “Government Policy”)

(“JP” in the remaining text means “Jim’s Policy”)

 

GP 1: When criminals violate the laws that protect law abiding citizens, they are incarcerated for XX years.

JP 1: Fine, but A) once, and B) they work…every day… three sack meals and water. No TV, no visits, no phone calls. No internet, no fighting, no drugs, etc.

 

GP 2: When criminals sell drugs to kids, run dog fighting rings, shoot up people’s homes, or anything comparable to these…they go to prison and become “rehabilitated citizens.”

JP 2: Oh, hell the fuck no. They are tried within 10 days, and they are shot. System backed up? Shoot prisoners that are serving life sentences. After that, shoot all felons.

 

GP 3: When sex offenders, pedophiles, and sex traffickers are caught, they get life sentences if they can’t be rehabilitated.

JP 3:  You can’t rehabilitate people with sick minds. They are tried, and then they are crucified. Think that’s too horrible? Ask someone that was trafficked or raped as a child.

 

Well, I’ve taken up a fair bit of your time. Until next time…

 

Jim

 

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"Dear Joe"

 

February 28, 2022

“Dear Joe”

By Jim Culp

 

Dear Joe,

I know you have been in politics since 1973…I remember my stepfather, talking to the TV… saying that “you would make a good President if you just acted better.” All that aside Joe, you are a war-time President now. You must make moves that will work for the US Citizen, NATO, the EU, and Jill.

 Do not ever think we do not have your back, except that most of us don’t. Let me set things straight. I didn’t vote for you, because you are a career politician. I’d say the same for Hillary, but she is a career criminal. I didn’t vote for Donny the rich-boy… because he’s a rich boy. But I digress.

 Joe, gas (as of 32 minutes ago) is $3.89 at the pump. And man…am I glad I ain’t driving a diesel fueled automobile…that shit is $4.89.

But let’s talk Ukraine for a minute. Today I read that the president of France asked Vladimir Putin to fight his war in Ukraine, but to refrain from killing civilians, damaging infrastructure, and causing undo power failures and hunger. That’s like having sixty-five weeds in a yard concealed by two thousand blades of grass…and you’re tasked with “mowing the yard, but don’t cut the weeds.”

War is not waged that way, Macron. Even Joe knows…right Joe?

In 2003, we killed over seven thousand civilians. In 2004, we killed around 200,000 civilians, and that is a kind estimate. Did we win that war? Sure, but at great cost on a war based entirely upon lies.

War is a nasty thing, Joe…believe me; I’ve been there twice. Infrastructure, hospitals, bridges, schools, daycares, and everything else gets fucked up. Why, because the enemy hides in those places.

Last thing…do you think (in your wildest dreams) that this war in Ukraine will be clean and tidy? Maybe ask Kamala…Jesus knows that silly bitch knows everything about everything.

Cheers,

-Jim

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February 18, 2022

“Like Yesterday’s Snow”

By Jim Culp

 

We had a fair amount of snow in the big MO yesterday, some places more than other. There was a historic record in one area of the metro… not sure where. Here in Lee’s Summit, we had about eight inches. Drifting was the real issue though, because there was so much high wind blowing that dry snow into every corner and crevice. KDOT and MODOT were some busy people for a night and a day. The fact that (at 08:30 this morning) the temperature is still a brisk 11 F with -2 F windchill.

Snow is not the key thing on my mind this morning; I am more concerned about the events unfolding in the Ukraine. There is a large build-up of Russian troops on the borders, and President Biden is now saying “in the next few days.” Assuming Joe slept through the report, I’d say that is more like a week. Russia will move forces to more key areas within the next few days and seek to penetrate the borders areas where the opposition is the weakest. Vladimir Putin might be as boring as hamburger soup, but he is no idiot. He has a resume longer than Ben Roethlisberger’s right arm and knows the story of Ukraine and her neighbors back to front. He has watched for years as Presidents on both sides have dealt with Ukraine, Crimea, and the world outside. Unlike our illustrious leaders, Putin is a former soldier... in fact, a former Special Forces soldier and officer of the KGB. But his real weapon is this… he knows United States politics back to front. He knows that the last three Presidents of the United States (as well as the current one) were and are about as ignorant of waging war as Trump was in keeping his dick in his trousers.

Don’t worry…Uncle Jim is going to keep a real close eye on this one. Stay tuned.

-Jim

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January 21, 2022

“Goodbye”

By Jim Culp

 I first heard the record “Bat Out of Hell” in 1985 when I arrived in the Republic of Korea as a young and extremely green soldier. My roommate had the record on a 33 rpm turntable, and he played it anytime we were in the barracks. I didn’t know Marvin Lee Aday at the time, and wondered why he called himself ‘Meat Loaf. “Bat Out of Hell” was a multi-platinum record…selling millions of copies worldwide. The record spoke volumes to me. When I told my roommate that I had never heard it, he asked me if I had been living in a cave in Africa before I joined the Army. I laughed and said “Pretty close, dude.” In 1984, I bought my first car, and it only had a radio in the dash. Once I obtained a cassette tape player in it, life was way better. I could only listen to Rock and Roll when I was in my car, or at other guy’s houses…Rock and Roll was forbidden in my home, because it was “Of the Devil.”

When I told Army buddies that, they would laugh out loud. Replies like “dude, that is fu%$*&% insane!!” I listened to a ton of rock and roll music in my Olds ’98, but never heard Meatloaf before. It was the same for Pink Floyd and many others. I was turned on to all of them in Korea, where you could buy cassette tapes in a little store for $2.00. They were dubbed from an LP, but who cares. You could build a massive collection in the year that you were there.

Meat Loaf belted out songs like “Two Out of Three Ain't Bad,” and “For Crying’ Out Loud.” I was sold like a farmer’s wife sniffin’ produce.

Meat Loaf entertained us for 50 years. Yesterday, he passed to the beyond the barrier of life. We will miss him.

-Jim

 

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America

 

Misnomer #2:

Many people speak misnomers when they are talking about the land where I and millions of other people live. I live in Missouri, a sovereign state that is 1/50^th of the United States of America. This massive body of independent states shares borders with Canada (to the North) and Mexico (to the South). One of the states with membership in the USA is Alaska (on the Northwest “tip” of the Canadas) that was purchased from Russia in 1867 for $7.2 Million. Alaska became a U.S. state on January 3, 1959.

 From California facing west, the U.S. state of Hawaii lies midway in the Pacific Ocean just a short 2,572 miles. Hawaii became a U.S. state on August 21^st of 1959. The Hawaiian Islands are home to 1.4 Million residents.

The “Lower 48” and the two states aforementioned are the “United States of America.” It is not proper to call the USA “America” because the USA is only a part of the “Americas.” The Americas stretch from the Northwestern Passages in the Arctic Ocean to the Southern tip of South America near Islas “Islands” Hermite in the Southern Pacific Ocean.

The vast region I just described is “America,” or “the Americas.”

So when you say “I live in “Merica”…” (Like George Bush, Jr. and Barack Obama frequently did) you should be naming the state you live in, and that would suffice. You can easily say “I live in Texas…” almost anywhere in the world to anyone with a 5^th grade education, and all would be good. If you are in a third world country, you might need to include “the United States.”

Easy Peasey…

-Jim

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2022

 

By Jim Culp

January 1, 2022

Well…if it isn’t 2022…how quaint. It’s 17˚F here in Lee’s Summit. We have a 1-2” blanket of snow that gives it all a wintry bliss. We are supposed to receive more snow and lower temperatures this coming week. It’s finally winter and the temperatures are hopefully going to stay cold long enough to kill all the pesky bugs that make Spring and Summer too miserable to do anything outside.

2022 promises my immediately family (Me, Jess, and a stupid cat) a move out of the city, a new life, and a better state of mind. As for the rest of our family across this old US of A, I wish you peace, love, and joy in the coming New Year. For my “extended family,” I wish all my military brothers and sisters the very best that life can give them…they deserve it. To all of my friends, family, and loved ones that have left this plane before me…may your soul find a new home, and may your new life flourish wherever it may be.

Life is a gift. Treasure it like one. It is finite until you make the next journey.

Cheers!

-Jim

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