April 11, 2020

Tales of Ironmongery: Number 1

By Jim Culp

In these times of woe, there are many weapons available to those of us on tight budgets. There are broom handle, shovels, and hand axes. Some of us have our squirrel hunting rifles, and even more of us have a shotgun or two loaded with your favorite buck.

But…if you lucky enough to be rich, or you have a rich girlfriend that isn’t mad at you…you can afford the Trollibrator.

The Trollibrator is a gas fed, semi-automatic handgun that fires the venerable 50AE cartridge? “What does “AE” mean? Good question. “AE” means “Action Express.” It’s a cool name for a cartridge, right? Right.

So, the .50AE cartridge was developed by Developed in 1988 by American Evan Whilden of Action Arms, the .50 AE is one of the most powerful pistol cartridges in production. No, it’s not the same cartridge that a M2 Browning Machine Gun fires, no matter if that is what Hillary Clinton and Chuck Schumer think. The 50AE is measured at 12.7 X 33mm, whereas Mr. Browning’s marvelous invention measures at 12.7 X 99mm. Quite a difference, since the M2 was designed to destroy equipment at ranges of up to1,800 meters (2,000 yards). The Trollibrator was not made for such heroism, it’s built to kill Trolls, humans, and large mammals up to a range of 220 yards (660 feet).

Targets may abound soon when food and toilet paper run low, so get yourself armed soon. Remember a rule on shooting trolls: they have thick hides. A .22 will piss it off, but it won’t drop it. Get a Trollibrator. Most of the time, it will kill the troll next to the troll.

Also, when all the animals escape the zoo, the Trollibrator can take down bear, apes, zebra, and buffalo.

Be safe and remember…we’re all in this together.

-Jim

{1} “Trollibrator” is a fictitious name.

{2} The author is a trained gunsmith and ballistician, the measurements and ranges in this article are fact.

{3) Photo is courtesy of Google photos.

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