8/8/2021
Solve the Problems- Part I
By Jim Culp
So, we are now looking for new Olympic sports. I’ve
had had an idea for one for 30 years, but had little response. Here ye go. State
by state, you grab up every person in prison that has been there for 10 years
or more. Take them far out in the desert, and set up full cameras, video, and
whatever else you want.
10 prisoners against 10 prisoners at a time, 1
hour limit.
They may choose a weapon* and a shield, or two
weapons. The last man with a workable appendage is set free. Now, depending on
your amount of inmates, this can take months or years. So be it. We’d get rid
of millions of rat fuck dogshit criminals mos tickety tick. The events would
employ thousands of security guards, mobile kitchens, and low skill nurses to
give the survivors band aids and a canteen of water for their journey.
*: Any hand held weapon that does not issue a
projectile except spears.
I will now take Questions from the Public:
Q: How will you make sure that these people don’t
escape during the process?
Easy, they are not only completely chained, they
are drugged and go nighty-night for the trip.
Q: This is inhumane! They deserve better than
this.
A: Well shit, I guess you’re going to have to pull
up your panties and live with it. Also, if the prisoner elects, they can opt
out, and be used for live bayonet training at any military base.
Q: How much will this cost?
A: Depends on the State, but probably about a
hundred grand per day. But after you deduct the money that is being used on
prisoner Jack the Rapist ($81,000 per year) that these events will have as a
budget, it’ll work itself out.
Q: This is barbaric! Jesus would not approve of such
idiocy!
A: Maybe not, but Jesus ain’t running the country.
Our country is a Republic, not a religious theocracy.
A: One bit of the banana at a time, sister. One, horrible
deaths? You mean like the Manson murders? The Hillside Strangler? Dahmer? Give
me a goddamn break. So families will sue. We’ll handle that in due time.
Q: Ok, Jim…down and dirty. How much will this
cost?
A: Well, let’s look at a few states. How about New
Mexico where I grew up? In that state
(as of 2015) one prisoner costs the people $7,167 a year. Mind you, that doesn’t
account for a prisoner that needs a special cell, or is in lockdown, or needs
daily medical care. But even in that state, it costed $263,935,441 a year. But
that’s nothing compared to New York, where the average expenditure of an inmate
per year was $53,181. Ready for the
big tamale? That year, New York (all by itself) spent $3,688,976,999 on housing
inmates. Just for comparison’s sake, let’s see how many F150 Ford Pickups
(brand new) with that money. After employing my unbeatable 3rd grade
math, you could purchase $125,946 of them.
Q: I can’t believe a person would even think about
such barbarism.
A: Well, shit fire. To quote my hero Clint
Eastwood…”Well, they can all come stay at your place then… can’t they?”
-Jim
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