“Election”

By Jim Culp

July 8, 2019

(words in Italics like this are the approval board’s members speaking)

In this pre-election year, I have been watching (as much as I can stomach) the candidates for the Office of President of the United States. It’s always fun to see people who cry out for unison and “godly ways” start taking a political opponent apart with anything they can dig out of the media or a shoe closet. They turn on each other like rabid dogs at a cow carcass, and then turn around and are best buddies again after election day. How Amazing!

In watching these events, I decided to introduce a system of election to office that is like the Veteran’s Administration’s process of granting benefits to a disabled veteran.

So, you are running for Representative of a State? Ok, we’ll call you “Mr. R.”

Mr. R must first be found to qualify for this opportunity. Forget the constitutional amendments, we’re using VA rules now.

Mr. R must bring his life packet to the first hearing, and the first requirement is public speaking.

“Um, Mr. R…you don’t have any records of public speaking in your file.”

Mr. R immediately retaliates with “that is ridiculous!! I’ve spoken publicly hundreds of times! There are video and news casts covering it!!”

“ok, Mr. R…. calm down. We’ll review it and get back to you within 90 days.”

Mr. R: “WTF?!?!? 90 days? Candidate X will be ahead of me by then, and I won’t have a chance!”

“Sorry…. next!!”

Over in Texas, Miss T is running for President of the United States. She appears before our precious board as well.

“Good Morning, Miss T. We’ve reviewed your file. Can you tell us the month and date that you attained your master’s degree in Government Law?”

“Oh sure, May of 1992. It was so relieving to finish it and move on to other things. My family was so proud of me.”

“I see…well, there is no record of it in your file, so we can’t acknowledge it.”

Miss T takes a sip of water and breathes deep to calm herself.

“Ok, listen…not only did the school with the original document burn down in 1993, but my home also burned down in 1995. So effectively, there is no document proving that I received it.”

“Oh, no problem Miss T…just provide us with three credible sources that can attest to these events, and we’ll convene again to look into it.”

“Great,” says Miss T…” that will be really easy.”

One year, and eight months later, Mr. R and Miss T receive letters in the mail letting them know that the board has received their claims, and they will be submitted to a Board of Appeals in no more than 120 days.

Six months later… Mr. R has already placed a revolver in his mouth; and ended his life. The elections were over before he could get the election board to act on his behalf. His wife had left him, and he was so broke that his life was in a rolling ball of debt and chaos.

Miss T attends the hearing, and is carrying a stack of documents, photos, and statements from everyone she knows. Upon entering the briefing area one hour before her board time, she is told that there is no case for her college degree, and that the board of appeals will speak for her and let the Judge know that she needs to return another time and hear her plea on a lesser request.

“I want to speak for myself,” she says to the examiner…” I don’t want you guys to speak for me…you don’t know me and don’t give a shit about me!”

“Miss T take it easy. The worst that will happen is that there will be another board in about six months. Besides, you already missed the election!”

Miss T is so enraged that she can’t contain herself anymore. She yells and screams; and is hauled off by the boys in white. She’s deemed unable to cope in society.

What if our elections worked like this? What if people who run for office had to use the VA system to get elected? There would be many empty seats in Congress, and people who shouldn’t be in higher offices are there by default.

Are you following me?

-Jim